


If you die I’ll literally go out of my freaking mind

by alyblack



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, F/M, Happy ending is a matter of perspective, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Stiles, I AM SORRY, Implied/Referenced Character Death, It's a sad fic, More - Freeform, OTP needs to suffer, i love them, tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 10:24:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9176863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyblack/pseuds/alyblack
Summary: The universe didn’t understand or cared that Lydia was loved deeply; that her mere presence was enough to bring him back from the brink of insanity. That without her if was like his chest was cut wide open, his heart was smeared across the walls and he was left alone to dry out.





	

“If you die I’ll literally go out of my freaking mind!”

 

            He didn’t. Truth be told, once he heard about the crash, he didn’t feel much of anything for a really long time. Scott held him tight and asked him over and over again if he was all right, if he needed anything. It wasn’t shock, even though they had Melissa take him to the hospital for a checkup. They wanted to know if Stiles would crash down and burn once the reality of what had happened finally hit him. Inside, though, he knew he wouldn’t. He was fully aware of his surroundings, the doctors coming and going and the slight noises that the machinery made. He was aware Lydia was dead.

            It wasn’t really like he thought it would be. Deep inside, coming so very close to it so many times, he had thought about his friends dying, what was left of his family, and back in the day it had scared him to death. He figured that if he lost anyone else he loved, if he was forced to go through the kind of pain he had felt losing his mother, he would crack. His mental health and the fears he hid away underneath it all would come back to him and there would be no returning.

            Every single time Lydia was in danger, he would fight and kick and kill his way back to her. To make sure she would be once again in safety. Even when she found her strength, when she proved over and over again that she could hold her own, protect herself and the ones around her, he still felt helpless when he wasn’t there to take the blow in her place.

            He loved her. Sure. She knew it. Everyone with half and eye could see it in him. Malia knew it as well. There was nothing in the world he wouldn’t do for her. He really did not know if it felt like this because if had happened so fast and so far away, that it still didn’t feel like it was possible. There was no incoming threat, no danger lurking, no supernatural beasts he could’ve helped fighting off. There was not a single thing in the world he could’ve done to stop that plane from crashing. From taking her away.

            Scott and the rest of the powerful beings that made his new family took this tragedy as a reminder of mortality. All the power in the world couldn’t prevent this. Not even her powers were enough to save her. The universe didn’t understand or cared that Lydia was loved deeply; that her mere presence was enough to bring him back from the brink of insanity. That without her if was like his chest was cut wide open, his heart was smeared across the walls and he was left alone to dry out.

            It was about two weeks after the accident when he cried. It wasn’t a desperate cry or something he had been bottling inside for days. He had seen a notebook with her drawings in it and remembered that those, alongside many other things, were never going to be a part of his life again.

            Stiles lost her without ever having her the way he had always wanted. Although that seemed small and insignificant now. It was never about what he wanted or what he needed; he would’ve gladly given anything and everything up if that meant she could go back to her old life, be happy with whoever she wanted and go back to ignoring him around the halls. He loved her so much that he didn’t know what to do with himself.

            It angered him when he noticed for the first time that his friends were starting to go back to their normal lives, nobody was talking about Lydia, nobody was mourning her anymore. It angered him that even though they seemed to be healing, he knew that he never could. He would be cut open and numb for the rest of his life.

            It took him an even longer amount of time to finally go to the place where her coffin was; there was no body decomposing inside and he felt stupid. Just standing there in front of a hollow spot of rotting corpses to mourn a dead person that wasn’t even there. They never found her.

            No survivors, that’s what they said. She could still be somewhere in the world, for all the knew. Alive and scared, alone or without her memories. She could still come back. No. Time after time he had heard from all the possible people that it wasn’t likely that she had survived such a horrific accident.

            He wanted to move on, or at least be able to. He wasn’t sure if it was hope that wouldn’t allow him to get better or if he was just so broken that it simply wasn’t possible. Either way, there he was. Starring down at her name engraved at the tombstone, costly paid by her loving parents, where it said that she would be forever missed by friends and family. So much so that the last flowers left there were dried out and long dead.

            A part of him wished she was in fact inside that hole in the ground. That way he could dig his way to her. If there was any redemption to this pain, it would be to let himself die next to her. He didn’t even get to have that.

            His help with Scott’s dramas started to get too dangerous at some point. He didn’t feel the danger like he used to. The only thing keeping him going was the prospect of being useful to his friends. Sincerely, he was just waiting for an excuse to let it all go. Good enough of a proof in supernatural beings and heaven were at hand in his life, that he dared to imagine if there was ever a moment or a place where he could see her again. If there was, he couldn’t wait to get there, if not, there wasn’t much for him in here anyways.

            The six-month mark and the approach of her birthday was the final straw in his misery. His friends didn’t want to celebrate with him, but that was just as well. They had forgotten her so fast that it didn’t surprise him. He drove his Jeep to her grave with her favorite cake and a six pack of beer.

            There was almost a smile playing in his lips when he reached for a can and his Jeep lost the tracks of the wet road and hit a tree straight forward. He closed his eyes as he felt whiteness fill his chest, as he was safely emerged in strawberry blonde, before his world turned into darkness.

“Remember that I love you.”

           

 


End file.
